Thursday, September 10, 2009

Musings on motherhood

My father, the great educator in my book, always used to say that a child's personality is formed by the time he/she is five years old. If that is the case, then we're in trouble. And I feel as if I'm the cause.

Let me vent. Our dear firstborn, Cady, can be sweet and so very helpful. Her temperament is can turn on a dime, however and she gets what we refer to as her "angry face." She tries me beyond anything I've ever experienced before. I pledge daily to myself and to God that I will be patient and loving, yet many days Cady pushes me (and pushes me and pushes me) to where I "lose it", sometimes before we're even out the door in the morning. Hair brushing is never good.

I want so badly to be consistent and calm and patient. I try. I really do. Really, really. But I feel as though the times that I have failed in that department have molded Cady into a sometimes angry, sometimes sad little girl and it breaks my heart. But when I see her treat her sister unkindly ... ooo, I get so mad. And pre-school? Not a fan sometimes. It's made her grow up faster than I'd like. Coming home with words like "Booty" and "boyfriend".

How can I teach my little girl to be kind and compassionate when I'm imperfect? I feel like Cady just remembers my outbursts and follows suit, instead of noting the rest of the time when I think I'm a pretty good mom.

And I guarantee that, in black and white, this does not sound like that big of a problem but if you could see the face, the stomping from the room, see how quickly she gets angry and frustrated, hear the "I hate homework", you'd understand why I tear up as I write this.